Princeton will cover student tuition as U-Store credit

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The following content is purely satirical and entirely fictional.

Following the announcement that families earning up to $100,000 will be eligible for full financial aid, the University clarified the policy in an email to students, writing that “aid will be awarded in the form of credit U-Store”.

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The Daily PrintsAnything spoke with College Dean Jill Dolan, who explained the reasoning behind the change.

“We want every student to come to Princeton and be able to buy not just one, but two sweatshirts,” Dolan said. “We want to foster a community of diverse Princeton apparel and water bottles.”

With this money to be used at the U-Store, the University expects each student to be able to purchase either a short-sleeved shirt, a box of pop-tarts, two Gatorades, or an orange folder that can hold between three and five coins. . of paper.

The students expressed their satisfaction with this announcement. Amelia Waterstone ’26, who will receive U-Store credit as part of the change, shared her excitement.

“This new change means my family will be able to afford mugs that say ‘Princeton Mom’ and ‘Princeton Dad’,” she began. “But my grandparents will have to share one.”

Dean Dolan added: “This credit cannot be used with a U-Store subscription. All purchases are final.

Spencer Bauman is an associate humor editor and a sophomore in chemical and biological engineering. He’s glad he lives away from the U-Store so he won’t be tempted to spend his tuition on Pop-Tarts and Ritz Crackers.

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